JOURNAL#00

A little moment to capture the two sides that exist inside of me. A portfolio if you will, with the vibe of a journal.

Welcome to my world, my planet, my mind. I primarily have two projects, EbonixEsra and Esra Bunnie Art Slut. Think of them as twins separated at birth, existing in two different dimensions that at any moment, just may collide…

“l0ST G1RL

Slippin (Slippin)

To the bathroom floor

I am praying (hoping)

Hoping (Hoping)

That it don’t hurt no more

Cuz I’m injured in the limbo

Wounded Wounded

Can’t see a light

I wonder where that is

Past Future but the Present

My soul burning inside

I saw myself outside tonight

I saw myself

I saw myself in arms tonight

I saw myself

I lost my mind outside tonight

I lost myself

But my body is in inside tonight

Oh I

Lost myself

Find

Me

Pushing (Rising)

Up from the floor

I wonder what’s above

Grasping (Grabbing)

Ebony Drawers

I long for what’s inside

Stories (for me)

That push the line

I cry for a girl that needed love

Rebuilding the body

That got me here

My soul is the light in the dark

I saw myself outside tonight

I saw myself

I saw myself in arms tonight

I saw myself

I lost my mind outside tonight

I lost myself

But my body is in here tonight

Oh I

Lost myself

Find

So I tell myself

That it’s not my fault

But I tell myself

That it is up to me

Hold my heart on sleeves

It must be tenderly

Protect all my needs
Oh so wisely

Cuz

I saw myself outside tonight

I saw myself

I saw myself in arms tonight

I saw myself

I lost my mind outside tonight

I lost myself

But my body is in here tonight

Oh I

Lost myself

Find

I wrote this song as I was slowly healing from being r**** in the fall of 2018. I wasn’t really able to come up with more than a few lines until 2021. The first recordings are either somewhere on my hard drive, Google Drive, or lost forever. Those first recordings were very angry and very descriptive of what I would like to do with the person that harmed me, along with all of the people who knew what happened to me and made light of it because of my and my respective identities. I am not saying those recordings were not valid, they definitely are. However, even if I do find them, they are for me. Alas, I cannot give all of me to my internet friends lol.

If you would like to support various organizations for all survivors and victims (victims as in people who unfortunately, did not survive the s*xual assault they endured), please feel free to donate to your local orgs or click here in order to support the collective efforts towards creating a safer and just society void of r*** culture.

If you’d like to support Buddy/Musiclandria, who was my collaborator for the most recent versions of these beats, you’re welcome to connect with them here. They have everything from events, studio rental spaces, and even a free instrument library program!

“FILE #06 SYMBIOSIS (The Slut Files)”

File #06 Symbiosis (The Slut Files) is a work in which I acted as singer, songwriter, producer and mixing engineer. It subverts the idea that the feminine and foreign is at the will of the masculine and familiar for the sake of exploitation. Instead of being an alien succumbing to the experimental whims of an investigator, the protagonist of this song is commanding the room and accepting enthusiastic consent. To further drive this concept home I use elements such as stuttering effects and aeolian scales to embody the otherworldy nature of symbiotic coupling in a society that often treats gender marginalized individual's consent as an afterthought.

Yea, yea (x4)

I wanna believe (x4)

I want to believe that because you love my body you will (uh)

(uh)

I want to believe that because you love my body you will (yea)
(uh)

I want to believe that because you love my body you will. Touch me how I want you to, do whatever I tell you to.
I want to believe that because you love my brain, you will, analyze me like a case you will.
Solve my problem cuz’ I’m
On the Edge, of the other side
I can’t get
off like this
Bring me closer, to the living dead
Vibrations, taking over

Oh the Slut Files
The slut, the slut, the slut, the slut
Oh let’s get wild
So what, so what, so what, so what, so what
No need for denial
Let’s fuck, let’s fuck, let’s fuck, let’s fuck (Note: radio version says touch instead of fuck)
Oh the slut files
So what, so what, so what

I want to believe that because you know my heart you will
Treat it proper like a dandy and
Take your time to experiment
I want to believe that because you know my heart you will
Get that creamy fuckin’ evidence

Touch my body cuz’ I’m
On the Edge, of the other side
I can’t get
off like this
Bring me closer, to the living dead
Vibrations, taking over

Oh, well you got me good, like I knew you would
You got me good, like I knew you would
No room to be misunderstood
Oh you got me good, like I knew you would

I want to believe (4x)

“Fuck F3AR”

I woke up from a dream one day, the dream was me as a young teen staring out my window. Hearing a whisper. “What do you dream of?” And it got me thinking. What do I dream of? What do I want to do, regardless of the fear I feel, the fear of stigma, the fear of failing. Then as I listened to my favorite School Boy Q song at the time, the lyrics just came to me. I originally wanted to sample the song, but at the time, I didn’t know how to sample and also, I didn’t want to be sued lol. So I strived to make my own beat. At one point, I did try to sample another beloved song from an artist I truly enjoyed… Lupe Fiasco. So these are some attempts at that. I don’t intend to sell this song or other songs where I sample another artist’s song for legal reasons but there is a deep hope of mine that one day I can thank those artists directly and express my appreciation for their hard work and choosing themselves.

Wake up, in the night again

I start to feel, a presence

Can you tell me what it is that I see?
Looking back at me?

Is it my own fears?
Is it the past, wanting to come back again?
Is it my own reflection?
Can you tell me,
Will it echo back, to me?

Looking out of my window, swear that I know you, swear that I’ve seen you before
In the back of my mind, swear that I’ve known you, swear that I’ve seen you before

Looking out of my window, swear that I know you, swear that I’ve seen you before

In the back of my mind, swear that I’ve known you, swear that I’ve seen you before

You, you you oh
You oh
You you oh
You oh
You you you oh
You oh
You

I think I can breathe again, as I start to take, in your presence
Can you tell me, what is this timing?
What are you to me?
Are you of my dreams?
Are you the future, waiting for me to come to you?
Are you my own beginning?
Will you tell me? Will you echo back to me?

Looking out of my window, swear that I know you, swear that I’ve seen you before
In the back of my mind, swear that I’ve known you, swear that I’ve seen you before

Looking out of my window, swear that I know you, swear that I’ve seen you before

In the back of my mind, swear that I’ve known you, swear that I’ve seen you before

You, you you oh
You oh
You you oh
You oh
You you you oh
You oh
You

Youuuuu

You are my dreams, you are my everything

In the back of my mind

In my wildest dreams

Looking out of my window, what did I see

In the your back of your mind

In your wildest dreams

Looking out of your window

What do you see

In the back of my mind, of your mind, of my mind, of your mind

In the back of my mind

What did I see

In the back of your mind, of my mind, of your mind, of my mind

In the back of your mind

What did you see

In your wildest dreams

What do you see

Take your wildest dreams

Make them reality

“File #04 Work Lull (Luke 7:47)”

File# 04 Work Lull (Luke 7:47) analyzes the inner mind of a sex worker who has been rendered politically voiceless via a Christo-Fascist state that is ultimately hyprocritical due to it's dependency on her sexual exploitation. The song utilizes simple drums, synths and a mertronome like sound to embody the simple yet hard hitting truth that a space in which often times Black, Queer, Trans sex workers are criminalized via sex work, which can provide economic stability (and freedom of sexual exploration for themselves and clients) for many, they are then further placed on the political margins. For this song, I was the singer, songwriter, producer and mixing engineer.

My sticky gloss feels like power when I kiss another John

Because now he's mine until he pays in full

The mark of the beast

He knows he cannot serve another

Oh but he'll try to be the pious guy I know he'll

never be

Oh Never be

He wants to enslave me

He wants my labor for free

For free

Dutifully

The scripture says I'm the neck that gives him head I

Can't believe i have to survive all this psychosis

So faithfully

I pray that one day I don't have to pretend to lock in

To his eyes

I'd like to see through mine

See through mine

My finger nails control the motion of his every pulse

So I ensure his movements don't make me repulsed

He swears that he's the best but I think Paul did it better

Though he's so sensitive so I don't tell him that hell

never be

Oh Never be

He wants to enslave me

He wants my labor for free

For free

Dutifully

The scripture says I'm the neck that gives him head I

Can't believe i have to survive all this psychosis

So faithfully

I pray that one day I don't have to pretend to lock in

To his eyes

I'd like to see through mine

See through mine